Preparing for Winter

As each new season of life comes to a transition

I feel like I learn anew

how to come back to myself.

Summer saw an outpouring.

Of my heart

my soul

my whole spirit

lost

to listening to the suffering of others.

In a sterile hospital full of ghosts.

September alone -

swept me away with floods

of water and time,

expectations too heavy to hold

until they drifted away like

leaves transitioning from a verdant hue

to the telltale rainbow of autumn.

And now I am learning again,

how to fill out my own skin.

Find the spark in my own reflection.

Who I was before I was empty,

only letting the best parts of me back in

and shine forth into a comforting winter.

The Metaphorical AAA

After my YAGM year serving with St Chrysostom's Church Manchester, I took the time to travel to a few countries in Europe, say goodbye to the friends I made in the UK, and then traveled home to settle into the United States life once again.

First and Last group photo of the YAGM UK group. This is the amazing group of young adults who all acted as a support to one another throughout our year on that amazing little island.

There was so much that I learned, grew, and flourished in this past year, and now that I have closed the chapter on the last year of mission work, I find myself asking the Great Unknown before me what I should do next?

A group shot of a Mad Hatter Tea we had at St C's before I left.  My year in Manchester was made so special because of these people and so many more.

There was already a plan, apparently.  Before I left Manchester I had an un-looked for email from a pastor I had known at the end of my university days.  She asked if I would be interested in taking a new position at her church as a Communications and Ministry Specialist.  I took the calling, and now two months after I ended my service with St C's, I am beginning a new ministry with Muhlenberg Lutheran Church in the VA synod of the ELCA.  A short two hour drive away from home compared to the vast ocean I lived across the past year.

Getting here, though, has been a wild ride.

The day before I began work I intended to move down to stay with friends temporarily who live in town while looking for an apartment.  Other than some patience in the process of discernment and hiring with the church, everything about the last two months has been enjoyable.  Everyday has been a new kind of joy except possibly yesterday.

Yesterday was a bit of a growing moment for me.

We begin with the flat tire as soon as I woke up - unfortunate but not too big an obstacle.  A flat tire is a normal part of being a car owner, and getting it fixed is relatively easy thanks to my supportive Step-Dad.  Great, that was dealt with in barely over an hour, bags packed, and I'm on the road to meet Mom for lunch before I head out on the two hour drive.

I carefully drove out Interstate 66 for fifty miles, watching my speed and what I drove over to make sure no extra stress was put on my tires when all seemed for naught as I passed mile marker 10 and suddenly my car started jerking.  Great, flat tire again.  I throw my caution lights on and pull over on the side of a majorly busy highway to put the spare on for the second time that day, turn around, and drive back into Northern Virginia where I could meet my Mom after work and get a new set of tires.  Not really what I intended to do today, but it should be manageable and then I can be back on the road in no time.  An incredibly kind stranger who had been following me pulled over and helped me change the tire (Which we found had completely blown the inner wall), and even suggested somewhere to get a new set.

We now find ourselves at Costco, getting the back two tires replaced.  It took twice as long to travel the distance back East as it had taken to go West.  Along the way, though, I saw a dead black bear along the side of the road, various beautiful small towns full of civil war history, landscapes that were utterly gorgeous, and I had a good cathartic cry.

It takes the guys in the tire center forty minutes to get the job done, bless them, and my Mom is there with me to sooth my nerves and help me make sure all the paperwork is dealt with properly.  My carefully cultivated cool has been a bit tested by all of this, but thanks to some frozen yogurt recovered well.  

Getting ready to hit the road again, we find that this very troublesome day has not quite taken the last punch out of me yet.  This is a long story, and believe you me, it was much longer to live through yesterday than it is to type it up and have you read it.

My front brakes are making a horrible noise as I leave the parking lot, despite being changed the previous summer they are worn through, and as Mom and I discuss our options, I completely lose it.  She has selflessly offered to switch cars with me to deal with changing the brakes out and allow me to start my new job today without worry of transportation.

And all this could have been a nightmare that made starting work today seem like a bit of a bad omen.

Honestly?  I think it was the best reminder of the Metaphorical AAA I have watching my back through family and friends and complete strangers who all care so deeply for me and their community.

Who is your Metaphorical AAA?  Do you act as as the Metaphorical AAA for someone else?

14 August 2016: Emptying Out My Closet

It is almost overwhelming returning home to a room and space and a whole household of things I lived without for a year.  And I mean a full household of my own personal belongings that turned my apartment into a home for two years at University.  There are things I forgot about (My Lego collection and several sets of odd sized bedding), and a few I missed terribly (playing Nintendo 64 Tetris).  Much of my year living in Manchester was done with the consideration of 'living simply', and some of the clutter seems unnecessary in my room now.  The place where I felt this change most was when I turned and looked into my closet with a bit of a sense of angst.

Let me assure you here that there are not any skeletons or bodies hiding in there.  There are no strange relics of past lives or echoes of a self that I'd rather keep hidden.

All there is in there are some old clothes and university t-shirts that might have once been more important than they are today.  Some people might think of them as second skins that create an identity of a formative part of life and should be held onto as memory from that time.  Once upon a time they probably did for me too.  The simple story was that a lot of it didn't fit post-Manchester-me anymore.

They are no longer my identity.  Just memories that were good mostly, have come to pass, and now I have grown into the current best version of me that lived out of two suitcases of clothes for a year.  This current and best version of me also lost several clothes sizes worth of weight after cycling or walking everywhere around Manchester, and the things I left behind last August quite literally no longer fit my body.

Change is easily seen from the physical outside, it was harder for me to see the change a year of accompanying St Chrysostoms Church had inflicted on me until I stood there staring at a closet of transformed 'me's and said out loud to myself:

"It's okay to have grown and not wanting to be who I had been when I was last in this room packing a year ago."


Suddenly that little knot of angst loosened in my chest and I felt like I could let it all go, and give myself the permission to be me as I was in Manchester in Virginia.